Paranoid

The Android has read The Ultimates 1 & 2 by Mark Millar (writer) and Bryan Hitch (pencils) and thoroughly enjoyed it. Though not a huge fan of Hitch’s art, The Android loved Millar’s story-telling, as well as his fresh perspective on the superheroes we knew so well. For those who aren’t aware, both Iron Man and Hulk movies you’ve caught this past summer were based on Millar’s universe… and so will the upcoming Thor, Captain America and The Avengers movies.

So you could have imagined The Android’s anxiety when the announcement came last year that Jeph Loeb (writer) and Joe Madureira (pencils) were to take over the reins for The Ultimates 3.

The Android, by the way, is a huge Joe Mad fan (amongst millions of others who were dumped, when the bastard stopped drawing and cancelled Battle Chasers halfway in 2001). With such an excellent story-line in place, things could only get better with Joe Mad’s awesome art right?

WRONG.

The release of #1 was December last year. #5 was only released in stores last week. So, alright. Joe Mad hasn’t lost his touch at being disgustingly late with his deadlines. He hasn’t lost his signature drawing style either, but one can tell from his strokes that he lacked passion. The art resembled the product of doodling while playing video games or something. So, okay. Joe Mad’s a great penciler but not-so-great as an inker. Maybe the colourists can salvage the bad inking. Well, the colours sucked too… looking all muddy, raw and unfinished.

The Android was also pissed off that they re-costumed the already re-costumed Hawkeye. Fine. So the dude lost his family in The Ultimates 2, was probably feeling kinda emo, and was desperately in need of a new look… but what’s up with the whole Grifter (WildC.A.T.s) getup?!? And Wasp is supposed to be Asian in the Ultimates Universe, for fuck’s sake. Giving her a bright red costume and half a mask ain’t covering the fact that she was drawn with big and beautiful Caucasian eyes.

So Joe Mad was a let down. Perhaps Jeph Loeb’s story could save the day?

To answer the question, Jeph Loeb hasn’t the faintest idea where he was going. Four issues into the series and readers get brought on a roller coaster ride with lots of senseless action, but no direction as to where they were headed. The man was clearly dry on ideas and even resorted to painful cliches and lines. “The butler did it“? Come on! But the lowest of low blows would have to be the stolen line from an Arnie movie. The Android shits you not.

So what can a desperate Loeb do when he’s absolutely zero-in-content? Sell the story with sex littered all over the place, and hope the fanboys get distracted.

The Ultimates 3 was a complete waste of time. The Android is going back to reading Naruto.